#ADHD (& Gifted) « @curlykidz

OK, I’m busily transferring more of those blog archives from other locations, and have been focusing on some from about two and a half years ago, when my oldest hit a dark, scary, and unfortunately, very common place for kids who are exceptional learners: anxiety, depression, and thougths of suicide.

Here’s the link to the ADHD/Gifted archives:

ADHD & Gifted « curlykidz.

How did I not know about this?

I could have used this last week after I asked a coworker what made the guy that schooled him on the courts the night before “look like he knew basketball”…

you know he went there.

AngryBlackBitch: On that ig’nant as hell Louisiana judge or why I need a lifetime supply of Excedrin Racial Tension Headache meds….

via how could I not know about this?.

What ARE they?

I wish I’d read Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent’s Guide to Raising Multiracial Children three years ago when it was published; or better yet, that it had been published sometime between 1996 & 1999 and I’d read it then. The book contains a lot of good information about how children process racial concepts through the various developmental stages, and describes the stages a multiracial youth goes through to develop a healthy and fluid racial identity. It’s provoked a lot of thought for me, but what doesn’t these days?

“Over time, our daugther has developed a kind of public shell she retreats into when others approach. She refuses eye contact, sucks her thumb and puts her head against my side, her arm grasping mine. How much of this sudden shyness, when we are out and about, is due to innate personality, and how much of it relates to having to squirm under each stranger’s magnifying glass, we’ll never know.”

You may recognize Halle in this passage… or recall me having complained about how being ‘petted’ by strangers was affecting her. This ‘zooing’ is something I’ve always felt was somehow invasive and inappropriate, although all I could really chalk it up to was that it’s an invasion of privacy. Donna Nakazawa put my feelings into words perfectly,

“Perhaps when people encounter a biracial child they often are compelled to look, and look again, in order to figure them (and their family situation out), yet at the same time they feel awkward staring without saying a word. In order to mask their discomfort, they may overreact, touching our child’s hair or commenting repeatedly on how beautiful our child is.

 

Even though our child is getting the verbal message that he or she is beautiful, by being repeatedly singled out, she is also getting the nonverbal message that she is different. And whenever children receive mixed messages, it tends to cause them inner anxiety. This combination of being treated more like an object than a person and receiving mixed messages, explains psychologist Willie B. Garrett, “is so damaging to the child because over time they’re going to internalize these unpleasant feelings, which take the form of the child thinking of themselves as unattractive.” They ‘get it’ that their appearance falls outside the norm.

This section goes on to say,

What It’s Like to Be A Child with ADHD

Celebrate! ADHD: What It’s Like to Be A Child with ADHD – CURLYGURL’s MySpace Blog | Cyndi–s Jewels

May 19, 2006 – Friday 11:52 PM

From the Heart of a Child… Dear Mom and Dad, I want you to know what it’s like to be me. My brain runs like a washing machine powered by a Ferrari engine. It runs all the time and it runs fast, churning and tumbling ideas like shirts and pants and socks mixed together.  I can be talking to you and having another conversation running inside my head. I can be in class listening to the teacher, but be fully engaged in a daydream inventing something with my LEGOS. You know how I sometimes repeat questions? It’s not that I didn’t hear your answer. It’s just that in the second between the time I asked and you responded, I went somewhere interesting in my mind. And I didn’t pay attention to what you said. Sometimes I have so many thoughts swimming inside my head that I just blurt things out because I’m afraid I will forget them.

I think we have some balance again

March 28, 2006 – Tuesday 9:30 PM 

Current mood:  lethargic  

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, here and in your emails. There is so much going on all at once that I feel dizzy. And tired. Friday night I spoke with Tyler about what is leading up to his feelings, which was a terribly scary thing for me.  K’s name came up often, as did a couple others I’ve heard before.  Tyler is also troubled about his friendship with A, which seems to have hit the rocks.  I asked Tyler specific questions about his feelings, and he indicated that he thinks the other kids would stop acting the way they do if he were to kill himself.  I asked him if he just wanted to teach them a lesson, or if he really did not want to live, and he said that he wants them to learn a lesson, but he also does not want to live the way he’s been living.  I asked too, if he feels like he wants to kill himself when he’s in trouble at home or if he feels like we (his family) also need a lesson…

on the dark side of ADHD

I try not to ‘relive’ my life through my children.  I make a conscious effort to try and NOT transfer my own emotions and experiences onto Tyler’s life, even while I try and tap into those same emotions and experiences so that I can empathize with what he’s going through, and help him.  I’ve noticed I keep saying to myself, things like… we’re going to be OK.  I suddenly feel like I am reliving my childhood.  I was not a stranger to ’dark’ fantasies… wouldn’t everyone just feel terrible about the way they’d treated me, if I were dead… whether in some horrible accident, while heroically saving someone from a house fire, or by taking my own life.

{big breath}

March 26, 2006 – Sunday 10:41 PM

Thursday we had the follow up appointment with Dr. Kessler’s PNP, Theresa Rimer.  Dr. Kessler is the director of St Joe’s (not luke’s) AZ Child Study Center, who was on the panel that rewrote the AAP criteria for diagnosing ADHD in children, but you probably know that from the blog link.  Sorry, I’m still a little in awe that we see this guy.  After we got the referral in 1/2005 when I was worried, we also scaled back on his meds.  Things had been better, but in October I noticed some changes in his behavior (socially) that I thought coincided with the last school change, and in November, a spike in other behaviors that coincided with a trial of strattera and Joel announcing that he and Sandy were having ‘baby surprise.’

Energy/Prayer Request…

It’s hard for me to do this, because I know most of you are working hard to overcome your own painful situations, but Tyler really needs your good stuff right now… He had an appointment today at St. Luke’s Child Study Center. I wish I had it in me to go into detail… but I don’t so I’ll just have to beg for your patience until I find my equilibrium again.

Please, the next time you talk to God, mention my son.

Tyler’s Dr. Appt

Today we met with Dr. Shoptaugh and discussed Tyler’s sudden drop in appetite and what is probably rather minor bouts with being unable to fall asleep, as well as my big concern: He is beginning to express obessive or paranoid thoughts that no one likes him, that everyone picks on him, etc. He and I have talked it through, and I’ve also spoken with his teacher and the staff at his after school program, in addition to doing a little observation on my own. Tyler is far from ostracized, and no one else has noticed any kind of major conflict. When I talk through a situation, it often boils down to the fact that he had a relatively minor conflict with ONE individual, but to hear him tell it, his whole class ganged up on him. He also suddenly became fixated on a scary story he’d heard at his after school program in October, and came to me several nights because he was afraid to be in his room. He has never in his life been afraid of the dark, and although we reasoned out several times that ‘RedRum’ was just a spooky story, this lasted close to a week. Since Tyler is at a higher risk for depression and other mood disorders, I took that pretty seriously, especially when his dad reported no insomnia, fears, or problems with appetite over Tyler’s (unmedicated) winter break.

Some good news first: Since July, Tyler has gained 1.5 pounds, which is a good gain in that time frame. Not huge, but substantial and he wasn’t at a flatline or losing as I’d feared. Dr. Shoptaugh thinks that the eating/sleeping problems are definitely related to the Adderrall and scaled his Rx back from 20mg to 15mg. I talked to her about the (very preliminary) research I’d done on dopamine/norepinepherine balance/imbalance and coupling stimulent meds with a non stimulant, like Strattera. She was familiar with the practice, but said it was very, very new practice that still had kinks to be worked out (like everything else LOL). She said that out of 30 patients, she hasn’t had one stay on strattera. She’s also not sure that his obsessive thoughts/fears are definitely related to medication. She wants us to take Tyler to a behavioralist. She does want to work with us as far as balancing out these chemicals, she’s just not sure strattera is going to be the solution, and that she wants to work in conjunction with someone who specializes in this area. I was once again so impressed with her as a medical professional; I wasn’t sure she would be comfortable with the med combo since I know she’s not a strattera advocate. I was really prepared to have my inquiry squashed and find myself back to trolling the listings for a psychiatrist. So even though she wasn’t comfortable making that Rx, I definitely didn’t feel like I was on my own.

Unfortunately, there are only two “behavioralists” ; Dr. Melmed of the Melmed Center (which I’ve heard of, they offer classes for parents, teachers, and kids in addition to counseling), or Dr. Kessler of the Arizona Child Study Center. Thankfully, Dr. Kessler is an in-network providor for my insurance. I’ve done a little reading and he’s got a REALLY impressive bio, with special interests both in ADHD and nutrition. Now, I’m not sure if we’ll actually see him, or someone in his practice… but I am so much more comfortable getting this referral than taking whatever random person my EAP would provide. I called this afternoon and it’ll be a four-five month wait; Dr. Shoptaugh had said to expect three. So the school year may be close to over before he’s seen by them. I have to fill out a packet about an inch thick before they’ll even schedule the appointment, but I went and pickthed it up this afternoon and I’m already about half done.

Since I knew it would be a while trying to make do in the meantime, I gave his teacher a heads up and also spoke with the principal at his school. When we had the 504 meeting last year, the only accomodations we had written in were for testing, because he was doing so well. I noted a concern at the time if we ever reached a point Tyler can’t take meds, we would have to revisit. His principal thanked me for letting her know what was going on and said she’d touch base with the school social worker about classroom accomodations. So I may be having another 504 meeting before too much longer. His teacher is a nice lady, but I don’t really have a rapport of any kind with her and while I believe she’s passionate about gifted education, I don’t really get the impression she’s incredibly in tune with Tyler. I don’t think she’d be nearly as proactive in addressing his special needs as his 2nd grade teacher was, especially since she’ll be going on maternity leave soon. Which is another worry; there are going to be a lot of changes in the classroom… she’ll go on maternity leave sometime in February and then return just a few weeks before school lets out. I wonder how Tyler will handle those transitions, how a sub will handle Tyler, etc. I guess only time will tell.

I also made an appointment for myself with a therapist for next Tuesday.

I walked ten miles to school, uphill, BOTH ways…

Boy, when I sit down and list this out, it sounds so… bad.  I attributed some of Wild Child’s behavior issues last year to some stress/’instability’ in our family, but felt those were almost secondary issues because he was not having any major behavioral problems at home or church, and that the primary issue was that Wild Child was in a classroom that I did not feel was challenging him, where he was not exactly encouraged to do his personal best, settling instead for ‘good enough’ or ‘about as good’ as everyone else, and with a teacher who, while a very nice person, was clearly out of her league in dealing with a gifted student. It seemed like I was on the right track with that when his behavior improved dramatically with his involvement in the play (something that interested and challenged him).  Well, obviously his classroom situation is entirely different now, so his continued behavior problems are causing me to re-examine where the root problems may lie or maybe that was the problem last year but it’s changed.  I am realizing that I have, particularly over the last year, slipped into a negative parenting cycle (the drill sergeant, where I constantly reprimand, scold, etc) that is really not conducive to Wild Child’s personality and learning style.  Since Thursday I have been consciously working on not using negative discipline methods… I also have a book on order that I’ve heard is fantastic for dealing with children who tend to be intense. 

I think I have also made a big, big mistake… comparing his childhood to mine, and when I look at Wild Child I think he has it pretty good… he’s clean, he’s loved, well fed, well clothed, and has plenty of ‘extras’ too.  I realized last week that may have been grossly unfair… Wild Child only knows his reality, and when not comparing it to my childhood, I realize that there are several aspects of it that really suck, for lack of a better word, and that some changes that I thought he was embracing and handling fine, maybe are bothering him on a deeper level.  I gave him the option of switching to MLK, and he was all for the idea, but this also makes his third school in three years. 

And the background: Wild Child’s dad moved to the east coast just under four years ago (a week after my daughter was born) and has developed what I can only describe as ‘uncle daddy syndrome’.  He loves Wild Child, but he is just much better suited to be someone’s uncle, than someone’s father. In Dec 01 we lost my grandfather, who Wild Child was very close to, to diabetes induced renal failure where he was removed from life support after several months in the hospital.  In June 02, we moved across town and Wild Child was understandably upset about leaving his friends, but seemed to adjust pretty quickly to our new neighborhood where there are actually more playmates.  In July 02, my grandmother moved in, which turned out to be a disaster.  Also in that month, Ro (my partner) had his 5th surgery since ’99, and it entailed a much longer and more painful recovery than anticipated, as well as a great deal of insomnia and a bout with depression.  In April my grandmother moved to live with my mother, and this June it became clear that my mother remains as unstable as ever, and I’ve had to explain to Wild Child we won’t be able to see her anymore (though I have always kept her at arm’s length).   Just before school started, I was faced with a conversation with Wild Child where I could no longer gloss over his dad’s unreliability. Wild Child is becoming painfully aware of his dad’s shortcomings. When I discuss these things with Wild Child, you can imagine we have a very mature conversation and I come away feeling like he understands and is fine… but maybe it’s causing some distress that he may not even fully recognize… he rarely brings these things up and when he does, he seems very matter of fact or if he’s upset, after a talk with me, is quickly back to his old self.

And our family also has some unique aspects that have the potential to become stressors. The obvious one is that we are multi racial, which fortunately thus far doesn’t seem to be a problem.  We are an interfaith family, and it has raised some issues… Wild Child’s dad is Christian, Ro is Muslim (African, not Nation of Islam), and I am a Unitarian Universalist.  The kids attend UU with me as I am the only one who actively practices faith.  My path is very strongly earth centered, so our blessings center around natural phenomenon.  Wild Child holds a strong affinity for Buddha (mostly I think because my grandfather loved Eastern art and had so many replicas you’d think he was Buddhist instead of Catholic).  Last year, a couple kids asked Wild Child at lunch if he believed in God.  He said no, because he wasn’t sure which god they meant, and they told him he was going to Hell.  About a year before that, he told his cousins he didn’t know why they prayed to Jesus, because he wasn’t real (have NO idea where that came from… I regard Christ as prophet/healer vs. savior, but I do believe he existed and highly respect his work).  Saturday night, he found something he was looking for and made a comment and when I asked him to repeat himself because I thought I must have heard him wrong… he said, ‘I asked God to help me, and she did.’  Wild Child’s best friend and family are also Wiccan, so around Halloween Wild Child may be inclined to try and educate someone on the difference between a ‘real’ witch, and a ‘Hollywood’ witch.  Obviously, in a strongly Abrahamic society, these kinds of comments turn heads.  Normally I would have called or come in for a conference early October about the faith issues, but as long as I’m airing my dirty laundry, I may as well put it on the table now.

And if all this isn’t bad enough… I have more.  Wild Child doesn’t know about this yet, because Fossil Boy (his best friend) wants to tell Wild Child but hasn’t yet.  Fossil Boy, who is two months younger than Wild Child, was diagnosed in May with cystic fibrosis.  Most children are diagnosed and started on treatment at a much younger age, so Fossil Boy has already suffered considerable lung damage.  He is fine now, but it is a given that he will eventually be spending a great deal of time in and out of the hospital.  Because of this late diagnosis, it is unlikely that he will live into his late 20′s/early 30′s as many CF patients do now.  While treatment has pretty much stabilized his lungs, they are only operating at 75% or so, and I think most kids his age have percentages in the 90′s.  We’ll be seeing the Lambert’s again in about three weeks for a quiet day and Steph is going to remind Fossil Boy about this… he may be having surgery in October and it would be good for Wild Child to know what’s going on before Fossil Boy’s hospital rounds start.

I *knew* the hazards of assuming that a child’s emotional maturity was above their intellectual maturity, but I seem to have made the mistake of assuming Wild Child was handling all these ups and downs anyway.