Free Range Moms (aka can I puh-leeze have a phone conversation?)

There’s a crazy phenomenon that happens anytime I put a phone to my ear… it emits some kind of high frequency signal audible only to children and dogs, which they seem to take as a sign that it is time to bug the piss out of me.

Sounds familiar to some of you, doesn’t it?

Twice today I tried to talk to a friend on the phone. Between a three hour time difference and conflicting work schedules, it’s not that often I get to talk to this particular person on the phone… and most of the time the conversation ends with me thinking of half a dozen things I would have liked to have said or asked but I got distracted or interrupted or I had a little person sitting at my feet, listening like a CIA informant.

Ei’s Version: A Visit to Cyndi’s by the numbers…

Ei’s summary of our Girls’ Weekend tickled me so much I felt compelled to repost.

..> A Visit to Cyndi’s by the numbers…

I’ve been trying to find a really nice way to sum up my long awaited visit to Cyndi’s house. Despite having a cold and feeling a little run-down, it was one of the best vacations I’ve taken in a long time – thanks to my gracious hostess. So the trip started, as most do, in transit, in this case, on a plane seated next to a very tall nervous man who had a little breath spray atomizer in his pocket. I know this because he liked to use it, quite a lot. In fact, after he’d used it three times in the first five minutes I was on the plane, I decided to keep track of the number of times he used it, for my own entertainment. Thus, this is how I will begin.

Number of times my seatmate used his breath spray in a two and a half hour flight: 27
Number of times I wondered if it is possible to get a contact high from breath spray: 3
Number of times I called Cyndi between the time I got off the plane and met her in the arrivals lane: 3
Number of times Cyndi and I hugged in the arrivals lane: 1
Number of minutes that hug lasted: About four, I think
Number of times Starbucks was mentioned in the first fifteen minutes of face to face conversation with Cyndi: 3
Number of seconds it took to decide upon real Mexican food for lunch: ZERO
Number of kids at Cyndi’s house who seemed genuinely glad to see me: 2
Number of diva girls who snubbed me at my arrival: 1
Number of trips to Target in my first day at Cyndi’s: 1
Number of dollars spent by Cyndi when at Target to buy film and batteries: It wouldn’t be polite to tell, but I will say that I’m out of contention as her sponsor in the Target 12-step program.
Number of ice cream catastrophes on the way up the mountain: 1.5
Number of little girls covered in ice cream who needed rescued from crazy Mountain bees: 2
Number of diva girls who decided I’m ok after being rescued from the bees: 1
Number of pictures Cyndi took before she realized her film hadn’t loaded correctly: I’m guessing about 15
Number of stops at Scorpion Gulch: 2
Number of times we debated the benefit of “pretty horses” versus “not-so pretty horse smells”:1
Number of times Roro lectured Cyndi on not over stimulating the guest: 1
Number of times Cyn had to explain that tossing salad is not as literal as it might seem: 1
Number of times Cyn was glad her lettuce knife is plastic: probably many, 1 time audibly
Number of glasses of wine at dinner the first night: 1 VERY LARGE ONE
Number of Oprah’s watched in Cyn’s bedroom: 3
Number of tears shed while watching Oprah: too many to count
Number of times I had to apologize for snoring because the guest over-extended herself: 3
Number of times we tried to call Karen while we were there: 3
Number of times we reached Karen: 0
Number of times Ei freaked out because she found out WHY Karen probably wasn’t there: 1
Number of visits to Starbucks during three day visit: 3
Number of times we circled the parking lot at the Mexican restaurant trying to figure out if it was closed for construction: 2
Number of cuties attending us at the restaurant: 2
Number of flirtations between us and the cuties: 47 or so
Number of crazy sexual conversations started during lunch with my darling friend Kristin: 3
Number of margaritas Cyndi didn’t finish, but accepted from the darling dreadlocked bartender: 2
Number of barricades we drove around to take VIP parking that wasn’t ours at Gammage: 1
Number of times we worried about getting a parking ticket or towed: .5
Number of Kleenexes we wished we had during RENT: 37
Number of times we looked for Debra during RENT: 2
Number of friends we have who had babies (including Debra) while I was visiting: 2
Number of times we educated elderly patrons on our very RENT-ness: 1
Number of inches on Arria’s heels: at least 4
Number of Reggae bars visited: 1
Number of dread locked future husband candidates identified by Arria in two hours: 4
Number of jokes made at the expense of Arria’s shoes: 6
Number of cranky men called to drive us home because Arria needed to find one more potential husband before leaving bar 1
Number of times someone thought Cyndi and I were sisters: 1
Number of times someone thought Cyndi and I were lesbian lovers: (ahem) 1
Number of times Daija placed her hands on her hips and looking at me and saying, “Did you just tell me NO?” – 1
Number of times all three kids asked me to come back next weekend with my boys: 7
Number of books consumed at the airport and in transit: 2
Number of Des Moines Menace soccer players accompanying me in my flight home: lost count at 15
Number of times Cyndi stuck her hands in my hair and ruffled me affectionately: 3
Number of times I wondered why we hadn’t done this sooner: 384

It was a good trip.

9:32 AM – 3 Comments – 6 Kudos – Add Comment

..> ..> Potere Infinito

..>
ROTFL!!!!!!!!! Excellent, Ei!!!!! This was hysterical!! I”m glad SOMEBODY finally got around to some details! Now if only the one with the camera would post more pictuers…I KNOW there are more pictures, that woman is never without her camera…..

Posted by Potere Infinito on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 10:54 AM
[Reply to this]

..>

..> ..> The High Priestess

..>
LOVED it – - Thank You!!!

So glad you guys had a good time!!!

And yes, Pictures would be nice!

Posted by The High Priestess on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 11:32 AM
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..>

..> ..> curlykidz

..>
I distinctly recall hugging you TWICE at the airport. Once behind the car before you put your bags in, and once on the sidewalk next to the car before you put your butt in. Other than that, I can’t argue with the numbers. BUT, in my defense… some of the $???.?? that I spent at Target was on new towels that I’d been planning to replace with this tax return and, given the condition of my old towels, were DESPERATELY needed for my long awaited guest who deserved pampering.

There are photos – Ei had a disposable camera since she forgot her digital… and I was using my old advantix camera since I seem to have broken our digital somehow. I just haven’t had time to take the film in for developing with everything else that’s happened in the last week. Hopefully, I’ll get them dropped off sometime this weekend.

Scorpion Gulch

Posted by curlykidz on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 11:02 PM
[Reply to this]

The Next Irma Bombeck…

In a fit of frustration about two weeks ago, I decided to price some cleaning services. Needless to say I got interrupted too many times to get very far in making calls and wound up just doing a crisis clean/stash & dash my damn self.

But I wanted to share one email inquiry:

In a message dated 1/13/2006 2:09:45 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, curlykidz writes:

I’d like to get an estimate for weekly or bi-weekly general cleaning in the area of {my location}. My home is {the size of my home}. As far as the condition, well… it’s a little cluttered, and a little grubby, but I wouldn’t qualify for FEMA assistance. My friends are still happy to eat here and show no hesitation to use the bathrooms, which I consider a good sign. I work full time and my husband is contracting out of state… and we have two school age children and a very demanding preschooler. Unless the day grows more hours, I need outside help for bathrooms, dusting, and the floors. My family is fond of clean socks and drawers and I’m fond of not breaking my neck tripping over legos and barbies… unfortunately that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time left for sweeping and mopping, which needs to be done throughout the majority of the house. I don’t have any laid carpeting, three of the bedrooms and the living room have 5×7 to 8×10 area rugs. Oh, and I can’t forget wiping down the white kitchen cabinets that I had to have. So that my kitchen would look bright and airy. I forgot the first rule of parenting, which is never, ever, ever… get anything in white. Including kitchen cabinets.

The response:

Hi Cyndi:

Thank you for inquiring about our services. I am sorry, but while we do clean in the Phoenix area, we just don’t go out as far as {your location}. Our office is at {their location}.

I have to say I certainly did enjoy reading your email. You should try to be the next Erma Bombeck. It was quite entertaining. Good luck in your search!

Not exactly what I was looking for… but flattering…

originally posted on January 31, 2006 at The Next Irma Bombeck… – CURLYGURL’s MySpace Blog.