Finding Our Humanity: Calling on my fellow Euro-Americans

Last Sunday I was stopped by a member of my congregation… someone from what I call my church family. She mentioned THIS is why I cannot, will not, comply, written after I explained to my son that I would probably (or not) be arrested on the National Day of Non-Compliance. 

Arizona in Crayola: Multicultural, I guess. Non-Toxic, debatable.

 When I asked my son what might lead an officer to suspect someone was not in the country legally and he answered, with only a little doubt in his voice…

“Their race.”

To which I countered,

“What race are Americans?”

He responded, 

“White.”

With no hesitation. None whatsoever.

[snipped]

My son is only 14 years old, and already he’s picked up the subconscious message about who is American and who is not. My son is only 14 years old, it already it is imbedded somewhere in his subconscious that Americans are white.

 Read More

 
After confiding that she’d been thinking about that blog entry ever since, she started to talk about all the different classifications of Americans… Mexican, African, Native, Chinese etc.

I have to confess that I got a little nervous. Because the only thing harder than talking about race with people who are not white, in my experience, is talking about race with people who are. And I felt my shield go up, because I’ve heard one or two profoundly stupid things said in my church home, and I wasn’t sure what was coming. I was afraid it would be some argument about how all those prefixes should be dropped, and my mind was racing because I hadn’t been mentally prepared for a “that thing you said” conversation. But then she asked, “But what am I? Am I Caucasian or European American?” And I responded cautiously, still not sure where we were headed, “Well, there would be Italian, German, and Irish American…”

And then she asked the million dollar question. What can she do, in her day-to-day interactions, to challenge the assumption that Americans are of European descent by default, and everything else is “other.”

I wish I’d had a better answer. I’m a unusal case (in more ways than one, I know…) in that outside of work and church on Sunday, very few people who I see on a daily or weekly basis are white. I shared with her that I make it a point (with people who tend to use race or ethnicity to describe others when it is not relevant to the conversation), to mention EVERYONE’S race (aka, my “this white lady at walgreens” story), I don’t have those kinds of conversations often.

Tonight I was at a volunteer meeting for the Community Posada and someone (not white) mentioned Euro-Americans in a conversation, which was the motivation I needed to write this post and not table it until after I get all the other drafts in my head published. Most of the discussion on what I write happens in the link comments on my Facebook wall, but for the sake of centralizing feedback and hopefully providing some ideas and resources for others, I’d like to ask people to comment here and not on FB. You don’t need to sign up for an account to comment.

I want to hear from my Anglo/Euro/Caucasian American readers. Do you consciously use language to counteract the assumption that Americans are white by default? What does that sound like? How and when do you use it? What kind of reactions do you get? If you don’t, what kind of ideas do you have?

Thanks to all of you in advance, and a very special thanks to my sister. You renewed my faith last Sunday, as well as my commitment to continue witnessing, LOUDLY, about the costs of racism to white people. As proud as we may be to fight for justice, we need to acknowledge that we are also fighting for our own humanity.

A PS… This was written as a call for reflection & discussion to white/euro/anglo/gring@ people because I feel strongly we need to take more responsibility in creating equality and justice for all. People of privilege shouldn’t be looking to the people who are being oppressed to show us the light when we’re holding the matches and candles. That said, if you don’t fall into the targeted demographic and you have a suggestion about how we can do better or want to point out something we may do with the best of intentions that we really shouldn’t, jump right in.

Related Articles

• Own Your Beauty: On Being Multi-Racial in the Racist, Rural South (blogher.com)
• Why Racial Profiling Persists in Medical Research (time.com)
• All Are Alike Unto God: A Reaction to Margaret Blair Young and Darius Aidan Gray’s _Standing On the Promises_ Series (motleyvision.org)



Why You Should Be Talking About Race

There is an attitude among many parent-peers of mine in the DC metro area that frequently astounds me – parents I meet  feel that by being “color blind” themselves, that somehow (magically?) their children will be open-minded, accepting, and capable of navigating complicated racial situations.

FAIL!

There really is no other way to say it…it’s a huge parenting failure.  Maybe in an Utopian society we could all have the privilege of being “color blind,” but we live in the real world and only a fool thinks that color doesn’t matter on this planet.

A recent study by the Children’s Research Lab at the University of Texas backs up my POV on the subject.  Austin area families participated in a study in which the goal was to determine “if typical children’s videos with multicultural story lines have a beneficial effect on children’s racial attitudes” (Newsweek).

There were three groups of families involved in the study.  The first was group was sent home with just videos, the second group with videos and talking points, and the third group of families were given only the talking points.  The last two groups were told to have conversations about race with their children every night for five nights.

At this point, something interesting happened. Five families in the last group abruptly quit the study. Two directly told Vittrup, “We don’t want to have these conversations with our child. We don’t want to point out skin color.”

Vittrup was taken aback—these families volunteered knowing full well it was a study of children’s racial attitudes. Yet once they were aware that the study required talking openly about race, they started dropping out.

“We don’t want to point out skin color.”  Does that stop anyone from noticing skin color?  Does that stop children from forming opinions on their own?  In the absence of a guiding influence, children will substitute their own poor judgments, or worse, the hate-filled judgments of someone else.

The study went on to say:

It was no surprise that in a liberal city like Austin, every parent was a welcoming multiculturalist, embracing diversity. But according to Vittrup’s entry surveys, hardly any of these white parents had ever talked to their children directly about race. They might have asserted vague principles—like “Everybody’s equal” or “God made all of us” or “Under the skin, we’re all the same”—but they’d almost never called attention to racial differences.

They wanted their children to grow up colorblind. But Vittrup’s first test of the kids revealed they weren’t colorblind at all. Asked how many white people are mean, these children commonly answered, “Almost none.” Asked how many blacks are mean, many answered, “Some,” or “A lot.” Even kids who attended diverse schools answered the questions this way.

More disturbing, Vittrup also asked all the kids a very blunt question: “Do your parents like black people?” Fourteen percent said outright, “No, my parents don’t like black people”; 38 percent of the kids answered, “I don’t know.” In this supposed race-free vacuum being created by parents, kids were left to improvise their own conclusions—many of which would be abhorrent to their parents.

Are these parents really surprised?  If you have values to impart to your children about equality, it will take more than vague statements about everyone being “the same.”  Kids are smart.  They know very well that we are not all “the same.”  What they need to hear is that we are all uniquely different, and they need reasons to value that uniqueness. You, parents, need to find ways to value people of color.  Find ways to compliment and seek out positive statements to impart to your children.  Have frequent, open conversations about race.  Talk about slavery, talk about segregation, talk about miscegenation, talk about stereotypes and hurtful language…talk, talk, and then talk more!  Kids need to know what is acceptable and they need to see with eyes that are wide open, not color blind.

At first glance, the study appears to be a dismal failure.  Many of the families did not talk about race at all, or changed the talking points.  However, there was a ray of hope:

Of all those Vittrup told to talk openly about interracial friendship, only six families managed to actually do so. And, for all six, their children dramatically improved their racial attitudes in a single week. Talking about race was clearly key. Reflecting later about the study, Vittrup said, “A lot of parents came to me afterwards and admitted they just didn’t know what to say to their kids, and they didn’t want the wrong thing coming out of the mouth of their kids.”

In ONE short week, all six of those families improved the racial attitudes of their children.  By TALKING.  Imagine that.

I understand that parents are hesitant to talk about race for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I encourage you (beg, really) to try.  Seek out some material if you need it.  There are books, websites, and blogs with plenty of good advice.  The simplest (and most obvious) thing to do, is to seek out some interracial friendships of your own, and then talk to your friends about how to discuss race.  I guarantee they will be happy to help you have positive discussions about race with your children.  Also, it’s worth saying that if you espouse a desire to have children who embrace multiculturalism, and you have no friends of color, then you should practice being what you desire your children to be.  If your children never see you have a meaningful friendship with someone of another race, what does that really tell them?  Just food for thought.

What I do know, is that doing nothing is the wrong answer.  Clearly, not talking about race leaves children confused and unsure at best, and harboring racist thoughts at worst.  It’s up to parents to guide our children through complicated racial issues.  It’s time to embrace the task, rather than dread it.  What could be more affirming than to teach your children how to walk in this world, not colorblind, but with an appreciation for diversity and a sense of value for all people.

The full article with the study can be found here.  It’s also posted at the Anti-Racist Parent.

originally posted at Golden Acorn Homeschool » Blog Archive » Why You Should Be Talking About Race.

Related Articles

• Is It OK to Point Out the Differences Among Races? (race.change.org)
• Colorblind parents could handicap their biracial kids (thegrio.com)
• Getting to Post-Post-Racial (theroot.com)
• Starting the conversation (psychologytoday.com)
• Wray Herbert: Colorblind? Or Just Blind to Justice? (huffingtonpost.com)

Fun Friday

 Don’t need a trip to the beauty shop. ‘Cause I love what I got on top. It’s curly and it’s brown and it’s right up there! You know what I love? That’s right, my hair! I really love my hair!

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

New ARWA 101 Resource: The Costs of Racism to White People

While I was talking with various people about SB1070 over the last week or two, I noticed looks of surprise and confusion from white and brown people alike when I talked about the cost of laws like this to Whites. I’ve added an additional link to my page of Anti Racist White Allies (no, that doesn’t HAVE to be an oxyoron) that speaks more directly to those costs.

I think it’s important not to set ourselves up on too high a pedestal or delude ourselves into thinking that we are in this fight for people of color. While the effects of SB1070 and other forms of institutional racism are clearly more devastating to minority groups, they hurt white people to, and we have a vested interest in this fight.

The Costs of Racism to White People

WE TEND TO THINK OF RACISM as a problem for people of color and something we should be concerned about for their sake. It is true that racism is devastating to them, and if we believe in justice, quality, and equal opportunity for all, then we should be trying to end it. As we saw in the last sections, racism does produce material benefits for white people. However, the costs of racism to white people are devastating, especially to those of us without the money and power to buffer their effects. They are not the same costs as the day-to-day violence, discrimination, and harassment that people of color have to deal with. Nevertheless, they are significant costs that we have been trained to ignore, deny, or rationalize away. They are costs that other white people, particularly those with wealth, make us pay in our daily lives. It is sobering for us as white people to talk together about what it really costs to maintain such a system of division and exploitation in our society. We may even find it difficult to recognize some of the core costs of being white in our society.

via Anti Racist White Allies 101 « curlykidz.

Ground Zero, Day One: National Day of Non Compliance

Just your average Thursday night...

The title is a little misleading; while this was day one for many who stood on the side of love that day, my community has been living under SB1070 for two years this coming February… under 287(g). Please note that when I say my community, I don’t mean my county or even my city. I mean, MY NEIGHBORHOOD. The student body at my son’s high school is 71% Hispanic, 22% Black. 4% White, 2% Native American, and .6% Asian. When Sheriff Joe “Bull” Arpaio does an immigration sweep, it’s not in Scottsdale or Paradise Valley, it’s in neighborhoods like mine that are going to give him the biggest bang for his buck… the highest numbers of “suspected” illegal immigrants for his media whoring. 

Unlike PurpleCrayon, friend and member of my church fam, I was neither shocked nor surprised by the show of force from the good Sheriff. It’s funny to me that the Sheriff’s Posse always seems to strike in the hours just before & after dawn or dusk, but there’s nary a Posse to be found in the wee hours of the morning as I lie in bed listing to what I hope is random, rather than intentional, gunfire. Don’t worry about those gangs of urban terrorists Joe… you go on and russle up some landscapers and day laborers instead, cowboy.  

I have been trying for a couple days now to sort through everything that happened during the National Day of Non-Compliance and throughout the weekend. How do I summarize all that I witnessed, everything I felt? There are so many different facets that I’m struggling to organize them, and I’m starting to think this might be a multi post series.

THIS is why I cannot, will not, comply.

I was talking to my son just a while ago about some events taking place later this week, and as I was explaining civil disobedience & non violent resistance (It’s like you ripping up that test last spring, even after the teacher threatened your grade), we talked a little more about why I feel SB 1070 is an unjust and immoral law.

Anybody who knows me personally would most likely agree that I probably talk to my kids about race, stereotypes and racial profiling more than anybody we know.  

According to statistics, they are conversations that many who are in a position to do so, avoid. These are not easy conversations to have, and there are many times where I feel wholly inadequate in teaching my children to navigate through this muck. Sure, there are plenty of rainbow conversations about how we’re all heart and spirit under our skin early on, but there are many more that are painful. Like taking a potatoe peeler or cheese grater to your skin. Because sometimes by the time it’s over, you are ready to flay the skin from your own body and every body else’s just to be done with it. Sometimes because someone said some hateful thing to or in front of your child or they said some hateful thing to someone else… but as time goes on, sometimes you learn they have picked up some stereotype or prejudice of their own.

But still, no matter how difficult or painful, these conversations are some of the most important a parent can have with a child.

When I asked my son what might lead an officer to suspect someone was not in the country legally and he answered, with only a little doubt in his voice…

Scopes trial anniversary occasion to analyze recent Arizona law

Because Mexican Americans and others wouldn’t know they were being discriminated against unless they learned about it in school. Oh, shit… I can’t see… my eyes just rolled out m head…

As in Tennessee, the real issue in Arizona is power. The new law prohibits classes that “promote the overthrow of the United States government,” “promote resentment towards a race or class,” “are designed for pupils of a particular ethnic group” or “advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals.”

The law, which is intended to eliminate a particular Mexican-American studies program in the Tucson Unified School District, misrepresents ethnic studies through a now-familiar ruse that claims that any attention to race or racism, even as a topic of study, is in itself racist.

via Scopes trial anniversary occasion to analyze recent Arizona law | The Progressive.

AND THEN THE MODERATOR STARTED TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF

When I first came to the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Phoenix, I was searching for a safe church home for my interfaith family. When I walked into the Memorial Garden, stood at the center of That Which Might Have Been, I knew I was home.  And naively, I thought nothing would ever hurt me there. I learned that just like any family, church family can hurt you in ways that no one else could. 

I’ve posted some unedited text as well as a link to the video from Plenary VII, and I highly recommend watching it, if not in full, at least from 02:25:00(ish) on. I watched a lot of  the GA from Saturday & Sunday on streaming video, and Gini Coulter’s moderator’s report was some of the most candid and honest commentary about racism, ableism, inclusion and white and able-bodied and financial privilege and accountability that I’ve ever seen spoken at a UU microphone in the ten years I’ve been a UU. Sadly, it’s not something that I’ve really seen discussed at all at a congregational level… which is not to say that I haven’t had a number of personal conversations with church fam or that a discussion about our need to embrace The Journey Toward Wholeness Path to Anti-Racism  with the same commitment as we did when we became a Welcoming Congregation never happened… maybe it did and I just wasn’t there that day… but in any case, I’m as much to blame for that as any. Most discourse about race is centered on our work in the 1960’s civil rights movement. We (and by we I mean the white UU’s) rarely discuss where we failed in the past and where we are failing now. And believe me, we are still failing. I know this, because people in my congregation, who I know would NEVER knowingly hurt me or my children, people who love us, have cut me to my very core.

Some of these incidents are nearly as old as my youngest child, and I still don’t have enough spoons to say, “That thing you said was racist/a stereotype/hurtful.” But I’ll get there, because they too are my family, and this community is our home. This is where my son learned to see not just a father god, but a mother god, and to see god within himself. My elder daughter was dedicated at the center of the sculptures, my younger in the sanctuary. My son and my daughters will come of age here, and bridge to young adulthood. My grandfather (may he rest in peace, if he ever stops rolling over in his grave) was laid to rest (so to speak) here. One day my grandchildren will dance Universal Dances of Peace with me when they come for summer visits. When I die, my ashes will be interred in the Memorial Garden, and that is where my children and my grandchildren will go when they need to feel me, much as it is where I go when I need to feel “God.”

It is my home.

I am a thirty-something country-urban-professional-hippie-ghetto-trailer park-anti-racist-pro-choice-standing on the side of love-station wagon driving-single-ADHD-volleyball/boxing mom of three multiracial children and a couple bad-ass dogs, and I am a Unitarian Universalist.

2010 Loving Day Celebration – June 12, Phoenix Area

I got an email with information about a Loving Day Celebration from the organizer of the East Valley Interracial Couples & Families Meetup Group, and wanted to put it out there for those in the Phoenix area who may be interested:

We thought it would be a good idea to celebrate Loving Day but couldn’t find anything in Arizona on line for the event so we made our own.  The event will be at Tempe Town Lake on the 12th from 10-12:30.  This is our first time doing something like this so it will be very small and we are still trying to grow the group

THANKS ERICA!

East Valley Interracial Couples & Families Meetup Group (Scottsdale, AZ) – Meetup.com.

“Big Fat Head”

"Big Fat Head"

Dr 2nd Grade,

Could you please speak with the boy who sits behind Daija about this? Its such a struggle for my girls to maintain a healthy self esteem and racial identity. This isn’t the first time Daija has complained that someone in class made her feel bad about her hair, But its the first time she’s begged me to straighten it…

“Even if it burns me, I promise not to cry.”

I’m pretty upset by this, and so is she.

The Curly Crew debut at The Next Family — A Diverse Community For Modern Families

So a couple weeks ago I was invited to be a contributing blogger for multiracial families at The Next Family. My contributions will actually start waaaay back in 1999 when I first started blogging, so readers can kinda follow along with our family story. So, if you happen to have missed the last ten years of my wit, wisdom, and sheer brilliance… by all means, hustle on over there and subscribe to the RSS feed.

What is The Next Family?

The Next Family is a diverse community where modern families meet. It is the start of an on-going open minded and sincere dialog between urbanite families, adoptive families, in vitro parents, interracial families, same sex parents, single parents and so on. It is a way to remind people that the Next Generation of families already exists in larger numbers than the old model of a “family unit”.

The Next Family is the foundation of future families.

As you navigate through our site, please start the dialog with us by offering input as to the ways today’s Modern Families aren’t being served. Let us know what products you wish you had access to or cool stuff you would like to be created just for your “Next Family”.

This site will have resources available and answers to those tough questions you are asked about your own family or the family around the corner from you. The tough questions are asked, and the answers will be as diverse as our community.

We look forward to hearing your stories, and meeting your family!

You can check out my introduction at The Next Family — A Diverse Community For Modern Families.

She loves me, she loves me not: Black, White, or Illegal Alien?

I touched on issues surrounding the term illegal alien* a couple weeks ago in Walking the (color)Line, when I mentioned a couple ways I suspected this term has affected my children’s perceptions of the Latino community. There was a part of me that wondered whether I was reading too much into things… but let’s just say that’s no longer a concern. Within the last week or two, I read a blog or article about multiracial girls being asked what color their husbands would be. I wondered if Halle had ever heard or been asked something like this. I made a little note to self to bring it up, but Thursday night in the car, she raised the subject. She was talking about how she was going to date a boy for one year when she grew up, and asked if that was too long. I told her it depended on the boy; with some boys, a year might be too long, with another, a year may not be long enough. She suddenly started talking about whether this boy might be white or black and something about so and so… I interrupted and asked if people asked her that, and she confirmed. Then I asked, “Do you guys talk about that?” and she responds matter of factly, “Oh, yeah.” I asked if that was something that had just come up this year, and she said no, it was last year too. I asked how it came up, and she said, just when they talk about who they think is cute. She continued with her story…   

“Anyway, so and so asked me once, and I said he would probably be Black or White, but not Mexican, but then I met Tristan, and I like him and I think he’s cute, and he’s Mexican…”   

Her voice trailed off.   

I asked why she hadn’t thought she would date someone who was Mexican before Tristan.   

“Well, cuz they do a lot of bad things. I mean, they’re always on the news cuz they’re criminals… and stuff.”   

cue my breaking (anti-racist) heart.   

Needless to say, we had an immediate conversation about perception, stereotypes, racism, media bias, and Bull Connor Jr. Nickel Bag Joe Sherrif Arpaio. And we will continue to have these conversations (and others, like how there are a lot more people in the world than just Black, White or Hispanic), because this IS a big problem. And it’s not because this flies in the face of what I believe personally, but because the seed of racism is finding roothold in the heart of THIS child.   

Her love is like the ocean...

 

This is my UU, social justice, civil action child. This is the child who drew the line with her peers over the n-word. This is the child who has volunteered to mentor special needs kids or served in student government or both for three of the four years she’s been attending her current school. This is the child whose teacher has made it a point to contact me no less than three times so far this school year to express his gratitude to and  praise the way Halle had befriended a new ESL student, which makes me wonder that my daughter’s unreserved offer of friendship is already rare by the age of 10. This is the child who took the initiative, unsolicited, and went to a Spanish-speaking teacher to get a “cheat sheet” of basic conversational phrases, and carried two spanish english dictionaries with her every day for the first two months of school.   

“Now think carefully about what I’m saying, and why it matters. Here was a woman who no longer could recognize her own children; a woman who had no idea who her husband had been; no clue where she was, what her name was, what year it was; and yet, knew what she had been taught at a very early age to call black people. Once she was no longer capable of resisting this demon, tucked away like a ticking time bomb in the far corners of her mind, it would reassert itself and explode with a vengeance. She could not remember how to feed herself. She could not go to the bathroom by herself. She could not recognize a glass of water for what it was. But she could recognize a nigger. America had seen to that, and no disease would strip her of that memory. Indeed, it would be one of the last words I would hear her say, before finally she stopped talking at all. “ ~Tim Wise, White Like Me   

This is the depth of our racist conditioning.   

*If you’re unaware of the controversy over the term Illegal Alien or just don’t get why people are “making such a big deal about it” or that it’s not just about being politically correct, I found an article that sums up what is so very wrong about this expression very well: Why use of the term “illegal alien” is inaccurate, offensive, and should be eliminated from our public discourse. | Border Crossing Law Blog.

 

 

 

 

             

 

  

When one refers to an immigrant as an “illegal alien,” they are using the term as a noun. They are effectively saying that the individual, as opposed to any actions that the individual has taken, is illegal. The term “illegal alien” implies that a person’s existence is criminal. I’m not aware of any other circumstance in our common vernacular where a crime is considered to render the individual – as opposed to the individual’s actions – as being illegal. We don’t even refer to our most dangerous and vile criminals as being “illegal.”

  

“My People Are…” promotes positive racial & ethnic identity in ALL children

Children’s Books « Irene’s Daughters

OK, I’m responding to the request for Children’s Books via trackback because I don’t know how this table will post in a comment. If any of my blog reader’s have some book recommendations, please share them here & over at at Irene’s Daughters.

It’s pretty old, but we started one of these in a very small yahoo group I was in seven years ago. We have more books now, but this list has more of the details about the books than the list I’ll handwrite while going through my bookcases 🙂 Also, Amy Hodgepodge is a must have!

Bill Marten Jr. & John Archambault	Chicka Chicka Boom Boom	ABC’s	book, audio, VHS. audio tape features ray charles. silly song sang by several persons, makes the ABC’s too cool!
Cheryl Willis Hudson & Bernette G. Ford	Bright Eyes, Brown Skin	race	beautiful and simple story featuring and celebrating the unique beauty of children with African heritage. a MUST HAVE for anyone with ethnic children.
Chief Jake Swamp	Giving Thanks – A Native American Good Morning Message	faith	Mohawks traditionally begin the day by giving thanks to mother earth, known as the thanksgiving address.
Debra Frasier	On The Day You Were Born	Birth	Great book that talks about many species and the wonders of our planet and the child’s place in that circle
Jane Kurtz	Faraway Home	Travel	Desta’s father must visit his dying mother in Ethiopia – what if he never comes back?
L.T. Sparrow	All My Relations, A Prayer	faith/race	An incredibly powerful poem embracing and honoring all forms of life and faith
Mem Fox	Time For Bed	bedtime	cute little story featuring animals as mamas prepare their babies for bed. can be a great resource for teaching some of the proper names for animal babies
Mem Fox	Sleepy Bears	bedtime	as this bear family settles in for hibernation, Mama bear gives each child a special ‘dram wish’. I especially like this book because the children’s names seem multi-ethnic, and it is not filled with sexual stereotypes of what boys and girls dream about.
Molly Bang	When Sophie Gets Angry – Really Really Angry…	Growing Up	character goes through a tantrum… can be used to help a young child or toddler identify anger and what it feels like, and how to respond to those feelings.
Phil Mendez	The Black Snowman	race	the story of a young boy finding pride in his heritage
Sylvia Long	Hush Little Baby	bedtime/song	mama offers baby comfort in the Earth and immaterial things, vs promising to buy baby things… 4 stars!